


What Stays Behind

by lwielaura



Series: Everything wrong with Tony Stark [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Dyslexia, EVERYONE LOVES EACH OTHER, Fluff, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, I'm not sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Revelations, The Avengers Are Nosy, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony is a fuck up, Tony is done, and discover things, at least a bit, bad things, everyone fucks up, heavy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6469678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwielaura/pseuds/lwielaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“My fellow Avengers, may I invite you to the Stark mansion, the place I’ve been born and raised.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Stays Behind

**Author's Note:**

> ok I'm depressed and stressed and sad so no fluff for you but happy end ensured  
> prompt me stuff on tumblr http://allhailtchalla.tumblr.com/

Steve should have known something is wrong by the look on Tony’s face after Fury had given them the location.  
Well, more wrong than it already was before because due to some mistakes and things that went wrong and other things that maybe went right but turned out to be a really bad decision the Avengers once more were in disgrace.  
“Excuse us for saving your ass.” Clint hat muttered after Fury yelled at them for half an hour for all the damage done.  
“That’s not the point, Barton. Fact is, you need to disappear for a while until we can make things right again. That will be a whole ass of work but S.H.I.E.L.D. has the best damn PR people the word has seen –“  
“And mainstream media’s balls in their trophy room.” Tony added. Fury continued like there was no interruption.  
“This time we can’t send you back to that farmhouse of love” – Steve blushed a bit because after he and Tony had to bunk up there and things became pretty heated Clint had jokingly complained about their nighttime activities, which led to an official complaint because of harassment and inappropriate behavior at work and the seminar they had to attend after that has been beyond embarrassing – “since we had to rearrange a bunch of stuff. I found something else, it’s better than nothing so I don’t want to hear no damn complaints, is that understood, Stark?”  
Tony looked up a bit confused after he was addressed so directly and the rest of the team also looked a bit irritated.  
“I’ll send you the coordinates and the address, a driver is waiting at the airport, try to act unsuspiciously. No hulking out, no big appearances, no photo sessions.”  
“Buzzkill.” Clint muttered and Tony chuckled.  
“Get your asses out of trouble, you are dismissed. Have a save flight.” And with that, the connection was lost.  
“Sir, it appears that Director Fury had passed the coordinates.”  
“Shoot, J.” Tony smiled, pressing some buttons of the Helicarrier.  
“I’m afraid you won’t like it.”  
“As long as it’s not one of my ex-girlfriends houses, I am absolutely fine with that.” Natasha snorted over the word “girlfriends” and was about to correct this term, as she always did, with “people I slept with”, but JARVIS interrupted her, telling them a random address and Steve shrugged, not sure where this was going, until he saw the color fading from his boyfriends face.  
“Are you all right?” he asked carefully, looking around a bit helplessly but they all mirrored his expression, unsure and confused.  
“You’re shitting me, right?” Tony exhaled, voice unsteady and shaky and that made Steve flinch a bit because this was the side he usually kept for himself, only showed him when they were alone, hiding outbursts and weakness and his instability from anyone but him.  
He approached him quietly, slinging a comforting arm around his boyfriend’s waist.  
“Unfortunately I’m not, I am sorry.” The AI answered and he could swear even the machine sounded a bit worried.  
“Tell Fury to go fuck himself.” Tony hissed, freed himself from Steve’s grip and physically fled from the room, door slamming behind him.  
“What was that about?” Bruce asked calmly and Steve just made a noise that could be interpreted as “I don’t know” with enough imagination, unsure what to do. 

“Tony, open the door!” Steve yelled, knocking for the fifth time now and he started to feel a little panicky and unsettled since he was completely ignored for the past hour.  
“Go away.” Tony’s voice got through the door, small and defeated and the worry in Steve’s chest grew even more.  
“You either open the door or I’ll come in the old-fashioned way.” Steve growled, leaning against the heavy wood to measure how to break it most easily.  
There was no answer. He started to slowly count from five to zero. As he reached the one, already getting in position, he heard a frustrated grunting and approaching footsteps and finally a turning key.  
“Can I come in?” Steve asked a bit insecure confronted with Tony’s stressed and tensed face.  
“As if I had a choice” Tony mumbled, letting him in. He followed him into the room and something clenched in his chest and he sighed quietly by the sight he got.  
“You’ve been drinking.” He simply said, because under any other circumstanced is wouldn’t be a big thing because it was Tony Stark after all but on the other hand, he hadn’t been drinking for months now, since the thing between them developed much too quick and delicate and beautiful.  
“Nothing gets past you, right?” he replied drily, picking up his half full glass and drinking it up at once, before he took the bottle and poured some fresh scotch into it.  
“Tony, what’s the matter? Put the bottle down, would you?” he tried, still standing a few meters away from him.  
He didn’t answer, just gulping the liquor again, breathing heavily for a few seconds, before he repeated his last move.  
“Please, for once in your life, let someone in.” he tried again, voice more firm this time, approaching him slowly but Tony didn’t seem to hear him.  
“You’re not alone anymore, let me help.”  
These words seemed to reach him because the immediate effect was conspicuous.  
The brunette exhaled sharply, dropping the glass that fell to the floor without any further notice and suddenly he was in his arms, holding onto him like his life depended on him and Steve obliged a bit relieved, dragging him closer and embracing him tightly, stroking soothing circles on his back.  
“I don’t want to go back.” Tony chocked and Steve just tightened his grip, kissing his curls because 

“Is he all right?” Bruce asked in the car to god knows where. Tony was fast asleep, head in his lap and feet on Clint’s lap, who for once didn’t seem have a snarky comment about this.  
“I don’t know. He seems pretty upset but I have no idea why. I don’t know where Fury is bringing us to, though. I’ve never been to this part of L.A.”  
“I hope they have food there, wherever we’re going, I’m starving.” Clint mourned, holding his stomach as to underline his misery.  
“Honestly, you just ate half a pizza not an hour ago.” Natasha remarked drily, eyeing him amused.  
“That was an hour ago, like you said. Do you see the problem?”  
They slowed down and they all looked out of the window curiously. They were in a quite posh area, each house, or better said villa, half a mile away from each other. The particular one they were standing in front was past its sell-by date, looking dirty and like it was a long time since people lived inside.  
The windows and front door nevertheless looked intact, in contrast to the dirty walls and messy garden.  
Carefully Steve shook Tony, tried to wake him up gently.  
“We’re there, Babe.” He whispered next to his ear, pressing a soft kiss onto his temple and Tony made a small sleepy noise, obviously unwilling to get up so soon.  
“Wakey wakey eggs and bakey, my legs have gone dead.” Clint chuckled and tried to push Tony’s feet from his lap.  
“I hate you” Tony grumbled, sat up and looked around sheepishly, blinking and yawning and despite the whole situation, Steve had to smile because that sight was nothing but adorable.  
“We’ve arrived.” Natasha told him and smiled an encouraging smile, something that rarely happened before.  
“Go ahead; I’ll just stay in the car forever.” Tony sighed, letting himself fall against Steve again, who embraced him but pushed him up a bit.  
“Come on, get up.” And then Clint opened the door and climbed out of the car, followed by the rest and they all just stared at the old mansion in front of them. The driver bad goodbye, telling them to call if they needed anything and then they were left alone.  
“So, what are we doing here? This doesn’t actually look inviting.” Clint said, inspecting the unkempt lawn.  
“Are there people living there?” Bruce asked.  
“No.” Tony sighed bitterly and everyone stared at him in wonder.  
“My fellow Avengers, may I invite you to the Stark mansion, the place I’ve been born and raised.”  
Steve choked but without any further ado, Tony walked down the path to the front door and opening it.  
They all followed, not sure what to expect.

The inside couldn’t be a bigger contrast to the facade of the house.  
“I paid people to keep everything going inside but let things look rather wild outside to stop intruders and prying eyes.” Tony shrugged in the face of their disbelieving faces.  
“You lived here?” Bruce asked, looking around almost awed.  
“Until I was old enough to move out, yes.”  
“Wow, must have been a hell of a childhood. Imagine all the house parties you could throw. And the huge garden. Bet you had a tree house, rich boy.” Clint added, throwing his stuff into the nearest corner.  
Steve watched Tony flinch a bit but smiling it off.  
“No treehouse, sorry, I’m afraid you have to deal with one of the bedrooms.”  
“Bedroom first, then kitchen. Can we order Chinese?” Clint asked.  
“Ordering Chinese sounds like something that Fury would call suspicious given the fact that we’re currently in an empty house, don’t you think?” Steve contributed, a bit distracted by the iron grip Tony had his hand in.  
“Chinese sounds good to me.” Tony mumbled, looking a bit nervous and lost and out of place like he wanted to be anywhere but here.  
“But-“ Natasha started, but he interrupted: “Come on, I’ll show you your rooms.”

There were plenty of guest rooms how it appeared and Tony just showed them a few, telling them to choose one before he dragged Steve with him.  
As they passed a wooden door he felt his heart suddenly race and he half expected them to enter it.  
Faded letters on it formed the word “Anthony”, an ACDC poster hanging right under them but Tony didn’t paid any attention to it, instead they passed it straight and he opened a random door to what appeared to be another plain guest room without any other word and Steve entered, many questions on his lips but something in Tony’s eyes stopped him from asking them.  
They stored their things tentatively before they fell down onto the bed.  
Without hesitation Steve grabbed him and pulled him into a deep kiss and he felt the tensed muscles relax a bit in his embrace.  
“I love you.” Steve muttered when they parted, not letting go of him.  
Tony hummed distantly, throwing an arm over his chest and cuddled up onto him, trying to get as close as possible and he understood, tightening his grip.  
For a while they remained like this, the blonde comforting his lover just by his company, trying to ignore the questions in his head and suppress the curiosity that burned inside of him.  
“Come on, lovebirds, Daddy’s hungry.” A knock on the door disturbed the peaceful atmosphere.  
“If he ever refers to himself as ‘Daddy’ again, you have to kick him off the team.” Tony groaned and Steve laughed. 

They found some spaghettis and tomatoes in the kitchen, knowingly ignoring the best-before date and started to prepare them as good as they could. Well, Bruce tried his best and the rest looked around in the spacey living room, inspecting their surroundings with a great amount of interest.  
Tony himself remained on the sofa, doing something on his Starkpad, obviously giving his best to make the impression of a man who felt comfortable and failing miserable. He was faking casual so hard it almost hurt.  
Steve almost felt bad to join the rest in their eager research but he couldn’t help. Tony never talked about his childhood, about Howard or anything and somehow that bothered him because well, this was his time, this were his friends, something from his old life and he was aching to learn more about what happened to them.  
“Oh my god, is that you?” Clint giggled after a while unexpectedly and they all looked at him, holding a framed photograph in his hands he obviously found on the chimney.  
Steve, Natasha and Bruce joined him quickly, glancing over his shoulder and they all smiled a bit.  
There was a boy on the picture, maybe ten years old, with wild brown curls, wearing a Captain America shirt – Steve’s heart missed a beat or two and he couldn’t help but smile like an idiot – grinning cheeky into the camera. He was accompanied by a tall man with an elegant suit, holding his hand and looking a bit exhausted but smiled, obviously having a bit of trouble to keep the boy under control.  
“Huh?” Tony asked, looking up to them and Clint showed him the photograph with a smirk on his face.  
“Oh yeah, that’s me.” He answered casually, a little tensed, focusing on his device again.  
“Quite the fanboy, look at you. No matter that you jumped Steve’s bones as soon as you got the possibility.”  
“You’re making it kinda weird.”  
“Who’s the man? Is that your father?” Natasha asked but Steve already knew the answer. This wasn’t Howard.  
“No. It’s… Jarvis.” He admitted with a small voice and everyone turned around in surprise.  
“JARVIS? I know you created him and that he’s intelligent enough to be a human but this –“  
“Don’t be stupid, Birdbrain. Edwin Jarvis. He was our butler when I was young.”  
Oh. By the way Tony looked at them no one dared to ask further question and Clint put the picture back where he found it. They all exchanged knowing glances.  
Tony was everything, a genius, sassy, snarky, clever… But he wasn’t nostalgic. So being confronted by the fact that his precious AI was named after an actual human being in the man’s life raised a lot of questions.  
“Who is –“  
“Stop snooping around, we’re here because Fury sent us here, not to learn anything about each other. This is not a fucking group therapy session. Just… don’t touch shit, understood? You know what, I’m not hungry anymore, I’ll go to sleep.” He suddenly erupted, jumping onto his feed and crossing the room with quick and determined steps, leaving them behind.  
“Anyone else with the feeling Stark is trying to hide something?” Natasha asked after a while.  
They all slowly raised their hands.

After the rather depressing dinner with food he last ate during the great depression they all agreed to head into their sleeping areas, telling each other good night before they disappeared.  
However Steve was surprised to find Clint joining him on his way to their room.  
“What are you doing?” he asked suspiciously.  
“No worries, Cap, Tony didn’t invite me to a threesome. I was just wondering – “ they stopped in front of the wooden door that had caught his attention a few hours ago already “aren’t you curious?”  
“I don’t know…” Steve muttered, looking around a bit paranoid, a bit afraid that Tony would suddenly emerge from any door. On the other hand, he couldn’t remember which door led to their bedroom. And heck, he was curious, more than he cared to admit, because this here was Tony’s past and just, what it seemed, a few years ago his very own present and somehow it didn’t feel like intruding, more like a research, to find his very own past. So it was ok, right?  
No it wasn’t but he couldn’t fight it somehow. He could just say he took the wrong door?  
“I knew it. Come on.” And Clint quietly opened the door that swung open with a small creek.  
A few moments later they found the light switch and oh – that was…  
“Holy shit.” Clint choked, giggling a bit.  
The walls were plastered with many posters of bands, Steve recognized two, maybe three. But there were also two posters that showed his own face, all dressed up in his uniform, some patriotic slogans printed in the background, making him blush a bit.  
There was no bed but a comfy looking couch with a few old pillows, black and probably covered with expensive material.  
All over the floor there were blueprints, metallic parts and tools, forming a rather wild pattern that made it hard to even see the wooden floor. The whole room made the impression that it was left behind in a hurry, no real traces of moving out or packing things, more a hush-hush operation if you thought about it.  
A shelf with hundreds of CDs occupied the right wall together with a huge stereo. Slowly he approached the shelf, recognizing some framed pictures spread all over it.  
The first thing he found was a picture of young Tony, maybe 16, arm in arm with an older Rhodey, wearing an alumni uniforms and raising their hands in the air victoriously, the well-known smile on the boy’s face and Steve grinned because Tony’s always been ridiculous how it seemed.  
“Look at this, I found his school certificate. Lot of A’s. What a nerd.” Clint grinned behind him and Steve returned the gesture because somehow this whole thing made him very happy.  
But the next picture hit him hard. That man, Jarvis, was once again on it, together with a maybe 5 year old Tony, looking up to him with clever eyes. What irritated Steve so was the women next to them, perched next to the child and an arm around his small shoulders, her unique and open smile on her face. What on earth had Tony to do with Peggy, his Peggy, and why did he never even bring it up?  
“God, he even won first prize in some physical brawls and science fairs in elementary school and junior high, like can you imagine? I’d probably beaten him up if he had been on my school.” Clint dragged him back to reality.  
Quickly he took the picture out of the frame and put it in his pocket, feeling a bit guilty but somehow he felt that it was really important to him, a connection he didn’t want to miss.  
The last picture he found appeared to be a family picture, taken on a special occasion because everyone had put on their best.  
Tony was maybe 16, looking good and charming and confident, face unreadable, but his right eye was a bit swollen like it had almost completely healed from a black eye.  
The women behind him looked stern, a weak smile on her lips and one hand on his shoulder.  
On the other side stood a man and Steve had to know who this is because someone had burned the face out of the picture with something like a cigarette, but that kind of suit, a glass of scotch in one hand and the way he was standing, he just knew that this was Howard Stark. His heart beat a bit faster as he took a closer look, but there was no chance of recognizing anything with this burn.  
“What on earth…” he muttered, put the picture back, feeling more irritated than ever.  
Tony never had talked about his childhood, although there were lot of possibilities and situations they approached the topic but he always managed to distract them and no one dared to drag him into this, no one wanted to urge him but somehow Steve felt the need to know more, to understand, to realize what happened in this house Tony so openly despised, needed to learn about his demons and his questions demanded to be answered.  
And his primer question was definitely: Why would Tony keep that photograph, if he didn’t even try to hide how much he hated it and the man captured on that?  
Following an odd instinct he also took it from the frame and wasn’t even surprised to discover something behind it.  
Curiously he picked up the folded piece of paper he had just found, which was addressed to Howard and Steve instantly recognized his boyfriend’s scribbled handwriting and his heart was pounding because what was that about and he hesitated since it couldn’t be more obvious that Tony had tried to hide it, but on the other hand, he had gone so far, there was no rational reason why he shouldn’t read that.  
“What do you have?” Clint asked, a blueprint in his hand and the drawings on it looked very similar to a certain disobeying robot Tony still had in his workshop and Steve risked a smile as he imagined a teenage Tony being happy about his first robot just to discover that it was the clumsiest thing ever.  
“I don’t know. I found it behind this photograph. It’s addressed to Howard.”  
“Huh. He really liked his Dad, didn’t he?” Clint answered, fingers running over the burned photograph to which Steve shrugged.  
“What are you waiting for? Open it.”  
“I don’t know, it appears to be a quite big violation of his privacy.”  
The half amused, half doubting glance his teammate shot him made him bite his lip, nevertheless his slightly trembling fingers began to unfold the sheet in his hands.  
He didn’t need to read half of it until he realized what he was holding and he heard Clint next to him choking: “Shit.” So he was aware that he understood what he had just read correctly and he felt his chest clench in an unbearably hurtful way.  
“We shouldn’t have…”  
“Let’s go.” Clint agreed and practically fled from the room, leaving Steve behind with the letter in his shaking hands, his thoughts running wild because no, that wasn’t what he thought it was, it couldn’t be.  
Surprisingly calm he put it into his pocket and left the room, closing the door tightly and went to their room, brain and body completely on autopilot.  
Silently he opened the door and the nightlight was still switched on and he saw Tony’s silhouette, still awake, his Starkpad in his hands, safe and solid and alive and somehow that made him jerk into reality.  
The brunette hadn’t looked up as he entered the room but as Steve approached him much too quick and eager, knees hitting the bed so hard it would even leave bruises on him, shaking it heavily, he quirked and looked up surprised, yelping a bit as he felt the tight hug embracing him but Steve didn’t care because after what he had just read – he couldn’t.  
A dry sob escaped his betraying mouth and he would have cared if the solid and warm and breathing body pressed to his torso wasn’t more important to him right now.  
“Steve?” Tony asked confused and worried, finally hugging him back, stroking soothing circles over his back but Steve shook his head: “Just don’t.”  
“What – talk to me?”  
_I’m sorry I’ve always been a disappointment._  
He let go and pressed his lips onto the other’s, hungry and careless and wild and Tony hummed surprised but joining after a second.  
_I won’t be in your face anymore._  
He literally ripped Tony’s shirt apart just to feel the warm skin under his fingertips, fully aware of the sensation of the men’s steady heartbeat.  
_I’m done. I can’t even tell I’m sorry._  
His hands grabbed his wrists, kissing both of them, checking for it and actually found it, a small scar on his left side, barely visible, pale and faded, but nevertheless there.  
_I’ll be gone today. Fuck you Howard, I know this is what you wanted. Maybe you can be proud now._  
“God, Tony.” He whined and opened the belt and Tony looked at him questionly, eyes a bit foggy and lustful and warm and alive, not pale or glassy and threw his head into his neck as Steve continued.  
_Good bye, I guess. It’s not like you’ll miss me anyway._  
“I love you.” Steve whispered and the way Tony grabbed his hand, close and really close, he finally realized that he was here, with him, well and fine and his his his. 

_They entered the already crowding kitchen the next morning and somehow the house that was full of wonders and memories just a few hours ago felt depressing and like he was trapped and he understood Tony, who walked nothing like his usual confident self, more ducked and defensive and utterly carefully and it hurt._  
“We are sorry about yesterday.” Bruce announced as they took a seat and they all nodded and Steve didn’t fail to realize how Clint avoided eye contact with them.  
“Nevermind.” Tony munched, a toast already in his hand, trying to grin reassuringly but it came out more as a grimace.  
“We shouldn’t…”  
“I was a little bitch. I’m fine. I hate staying here but I shouldn’t make it as bad for you guys as well.” Tony shrugged, staring at the table, putting his food aside.  
No one said anything and Steve grabbed his hand carefully, trying to be soothing and comforting but Tony pulled it away and suddenly defensive again hissed: “Stop treating me like I’m fucking made of glass.”  
“I didn’t mean to…”  
“Yes you did.” He snapped, grabbing his coffee, pouring it down and to Steve’s horror he pulled a sheet out of his pocket without looking at him, slamming the photograph he had taken yesterday from his room on the table and shooting him a telling glance.  
“I think it’s best if I just stay in my room and you all do whatever you want to do since you do it anyway. I don’t fucking care just leave me alone.” And he escaped.  
“Is it his time of the month?” Natasha snared, but she looked worried as well while Steve had serious trouble to breathe. 

_So Steve went checking on Tony after that but he had locked the door and ignored him completely._  
Steve wasn’t the type to screw up on a regular basis, he always tried to be there and make sure to cross no line he wasn’t supposed to cross but when he did, he was really insistent about making things right again.  
So Tony didn’t even looked surprised when he emerged from their room, a towel and fresh clothes in his hand, obviously heading for the shower, and spotting the Captain sitting in the hallway.  
He sighed, shrugged and nodded barely noticeable and Steve understood that this was the closest thing to an invitation he would get.  
They walked down the hallway silently, a thousand apologies ready on his lips but he knew that this wasn’t the moment he should speak so they entered the bathroom and looked at each other, Tony resigned and Steve unsure and nervous.  
“I’m sorry.” He blurred as Tony took off his shirt and threw it into the corner with an unnecessary amount of strength and Steve swallowed hard.  
“Uhu.” He answered, hair running through his hair before he began to unbutton his jeans.  
“I really am I just – I wanted to help. “  
“You were curious. “  
Steve said nothing and the jeans followed the shirt, leaving Tony half naked and watching Steve piercingly.  
“You never told me about your past. And Howard was my friend and I just wanted to know… why you hate him so much.”  
Tony closed his eyes, leaning at the sink, knuckles becoming worryingly white and as a reflex Steve held out his hand, reached out for him but stopped before he actually touched him, waiting impatiently.  
“I never told you because he was your friend, Steve. You’ve lost everything, I didn’t want to be the one who would kill your last good memories.”  
Steve remained speechless, opening his mouth, closing it again, still not sure what to say.  
“I found your note” he eventually spilled, closing his eyes because of his own damn stupidity.  
Tony sighed and there was no question of which note they were talking about.  
“Can we not?” he managed after a while, voice small and cracking and Steve physically flinched as he heard that.  
“Tony…”  
“Not now, can we just… Shower. Just for now?”  
Steve understood that he wasn’t put down forever, that the moment was just terribly wrong and the way Tony was trembling and heavily breathing he agreed happily, approaching him and hugging him tightly, taking his hands and sliding them down his own shirt, allowing Tony to pull it over his head. 

_An hour later they laid in bed, forming lazy patterns onto their bare skins, breathing and cuddling and kissing and safe and warm and Steve inhaled the scent of his boyfriend deeply, pressing a kiss onto his curly hair._  
“Are you ready?” he whispered, barely audible but the way Tony tensed he knew he had understood him.  
“No” he croaked, stiffing in his arm and sitting up a bit, still not facing him but clinging closer, tighter and Steve obliged.  
“But I’ll never be so let’s do it.”  
“You don’t have to, you know.”  
“You deserve to know. I told you I would be honest with you, we agreed on that. And I can’t have you looking through my things, there should be some porn magazines still hidden under my couch.”  
It was a rather weak attempt to lighten the mood but Steve snorted a bit anyway.  
“So, what do you want to know?”  
“How do you know Peggy?”  
Tony sighed, shifting his weight a bit uncomfortable and Steve waited patiently.  
“She was friends with Jarvis and Howard. She raised me. She always told me about you and helped me. I actually lived with her for a year, you know?”  
“You did?”  
“Yes, after….” He paused and Steve understood, used a thumb to tenderly touch the scar on his wrist and nodded, although Tony couldn’t see that.  
“She was an amazing woman. She really loved you, you know?”  
Steve’s heart ached, for the first time not because he thought of the life he could have lived but the lives he had left behind.  
“What happened to Howard?”  
This time, Tony took a long time to answer his question but Steve didn’t urge him, just continue to almost rock him comforting and for once Tony didn’t object.  
“I don’t know what to say to that because we obviously knew a different person. I don’t know why he was the way he was, I think it was because of you and the guilt he had felt. All his life he tried to find you, so I guess it was that kind of thing.”  
Steve bit his lip, feeling a bad conscience creeping up and he didn’t think about it as he whispered: “I’m sorry.”  
“No.” Tony exhaled sharply and tightened his grip around him almost painful. “Don’t be. This wasn’t your fault. He was the dick. I could never blame you.”  
“Why did you try to…”  
“Ah, the suicide thing.” Steve winced as heard it spoken out loud but Tony continued merciless.  
“I was young, I felt like shit, Jarvis had just died and Peggy moved to England and I was stuck with Howard and Mom and things became… worse. I had it all sorted out but they found me, he paid a good amount of money for therapy and the press to shut up and I was in a hospital for half a year and moved to Peggy until I was ready to go to College.”  
“What on earth did Howard do to you?”  
Tony tensed visibly, digging his fingernails into his skin and he felt how he held his breath.  
“Again, you don’t have to…”  
“I never told anyone, ok? People knew, Peg knew and I knew she slapped him more than once and Jarvis knew and I sometimes had the feeling that Rhodey also knew, but he was never sure I guess and never asked. So, just let me… One moment, ok?”  
“I’m here.” Steve assured, taking Tony’s hand from his arm where the blood started to drip where his fingernails dig into his flesh carefully.  
“I was… He… I was a disappointment. Do you know I’m dyslexic? I struggled at school and he tried to punch the stuff into me and just locked me up with my books until I managed to bring home acceptable grades. I spend half my youth in the broom cupboard to learn, I befriended some spiders I think.” He laughed but it was without joy.  
“And when I got older he always made me build things, I always did but I never wanted to do what Stark Industries did, I wanted to create, not destruct. I finished Dumm-E when I was twelve but he destroyed him. This is the reason he is like he is. I tried to save what I could. After that he threw away all my inventions and blueprints and locked me up and then things began to become worse. Mom never really cared, I wouldn’t blame her. He was scary when he was like that. And he got drunk everyday and just started to crush things and sometimes things weren’t enough and I was around so one thing lead to another. I never… It was just really hard, growing up that no one would ever want you because you’re a massive fuck up, you know? So I – ouch, Steve!”  
Steve jumped, realizing how tight his grip around Tony’s arm had become and loosened it instantly, mumbling “Sorry” but he was trembling and burning and anger rushed through him, hot and stern and unbearable and he grunted, kicking the post of the bed with his free leg and actually breaking it and suddenly the worried brown eyes were in his vision, panicked and frightened.  
“Steve, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you thhmmmmm” he was interrupted by a heavy kiss.  
“Stop. Apologizing. You. Moron.” Steve growled and Tony looked at him surprised.  
“How could Howard… I mean. Shit. I’m so sorry. You’re not worthless, you’re not a fuck up, you’re the best thig that ever happened to me, you are kind and generous and nothing like this monster and you are mine and mine alone and I will never let anything happen to you, understood.”  
Tony gulped, eyes suspiciously wet and nodded after a moment, obviously frozen.  
“Thanks for telling me.”  
He responded with a weird and concerning noise.  
“I love you.”  
“’ve you too.” He croaked and Steve pretended like he didn’t realize the hot tears dropping onto his stomach, just pulling him closer and keeping him safe. 

_“Fury called, we gonna go home.” Bruce announced as they entered the kitchen._  
“Fucking finally.” Tony sighed, inspecting his scrambled egg rather suspiciously.  
“We’re so going to order Pizza tonight.”  
“No wonder you are single, all you think about is food.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“Hey, Tony!” Bruce asked and they fell silent. “Are you all right?”  
Tony looked up and smiled and it was a real one, the one Steve loved and he joined him happily, feeling a hand grabbing his.  
“Yeah, I am.” 


End file.
